GIRLS FIGHTING: EXTRAORDINARY OR COMMONPLACE?

“ ... I am very placid and even-tempered by nature, but if somebody does drive me crazy I lose self-control ... This year I’ve lost my best and only friend. We’ve been friends for many years. We’ve been really very close. Once we quarreled and the quarrel turned into a fight (I was the first to start it, by the way). Trite as it might be, the reason was a guy. Once at a disco party we met a company of boys, and we both liked one and the same boy, unfortunately. We made light of it at first. But later, as we’d seen him a few times we realized we were turning from friends to rivals. As for the guy, he liked us both and couldn’t make a choice, so we decided to do it for him. Our talk grew into a quarrel and then it came to using our fists. As a result, I lost my friend and none of us had the guy.

Please explain to me why I could have been as bad as hitting my best friend! Will I be able to keep myself from doing something like that in future? Could the whole thing have been settled peacefully?

Thank you in advance.

Alyona M., 15.”

We asked Irina Moskalenko, a counselor of the Socio-Psychological Center for Youth, to comment on this rather typical situation.

- There is always a peaceful way out of any situation. But unfortunately, most people tend to choose an aggressive way of dealing with a problem. So there appears a tremendous gap between cause and deed. In the case of that girl, rivalry was a trite cause, and what she did to her friend hardly matched it.

The underlying cause of Alyona’s aggression is her inability to communicate and find a peaceful way of solving problems. On the other hand, the girl might have been subjected to mental or physical violence in her family. Such violence occurs in at least 45 percent of families and contributes to molding such personal qualities as revengefulness, malevolence, and aggressiveness. Patent in a person’s behavior become elements of cruelty and sadism. It appears that the adult behavioral patterns and values of negative character may be not only replicated but also readily adopted by teenagers, which results ultimately in their anti-social behavior.

Another reason is that girls grow faster than boys do, are more frequent visitors to discos and bars, and more critical in dealing with the opposite sex. Resulting from this are quarrels between rivals for somebody’s love. Besides, girls are more sensitive than boys and tend to make a mountain out of a molehill. Thus, of all the girls who have approached us for help 62.5 percent have committed an offence, 37.5 percent have proved unable to master their emotions.

To answer Alyona’s second question (Can such fighting be avoided in future?) I can say that according to statistics, 60 percent of girls are likely to repeat what they have done. Alyona needs to learn how to resolve conflicts peacefully. But how can she do it? Usually, to handle a similar problem 56 percent of girls seek help of their friends and only 12 percent get their parents involved. Where do the remaining 32 percent go?

It is necessary to make psychological counseling service more accessible to those who really need assistance in dealing with difficult situations. The true reason for a girl’s behavior may be hidden in her personality, her temperament, her character and interpersonal relations. So counseling may often be a straw to clutch at.

Alyona should learn to be self-confident. In whatever situation there is always a more constructive way out than physical violence. There is a good saying that goes like, “When you run out of arguments, you use your fists”. It can be altered to read “You use your fists when you can’t or won’t find the right arguments”. Anyway, you must see a human being in anyone you deal with. Despite your irritation, anger, or discontent.

Regretfully enough, virtually every family nowadays needs counseling. What we need now is analyze family relationships. And do it professionally, which involves individual work with each family, nonconflictive communications skills, and the ability to see advantages and disadvantages in any situation and to benefit from the latter.

E.Golubyatnikova, T.Pichkaleva, K.Andreeva

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